4-10-16 my father died. 11 p.m. my sister called and said he passed Laura, dad is gone. I sat in bed not knowing what to say or do. This is the moment that my family had been praying about. What does one do when your prayers are answered? The final one, the one that will change who and what you are and your outlook, the way you view the lake, the trees, the people in your life. What do you do when nothing else matters but the moments you were with him. All consuming thoughts of one person, his life, his mistakes, his joys and his voice and all that is gone and not one more memories will be made only the ones you had. You then start to understand that life is short, and memories and what you create while you are here are all that matter.

Then the friends that stood in line at the funeral to hug you, and to say the things that meant the world to them. I met people who cried and had never even met him, but because her husband was so touched by him, she too had been touched by my dad. The ones who showed up mean the world to me, even the ones I looked right at and didn’t recognize. I stared at people, good friends and had no idea who they were. The day was a blur with kleenex, hugs and tons of heavy wet tears.

I never knew that the tears were different from other tears. They are heavy, wet and would seep out of my eyes without warning. I’d just be standing still, not thinking of my father, and these huge tears would fall from my eyes. My mind couldn’t connect the dots. Why am I crying I feel nothing, no pain, no sorrow, nothing … yet the tears came. Mind you I had lost others that I cried, for but nothing compared to the death of my father. The man who’s birthday is one day before mine, we both shared a gift from God, and we just were a like. Thought a like, sang alike, liked the same things. Muppets, children laughter, people, fishing, nature, walks, dogs, God, mom, family. He taught me what is important in this life and what isn’t. He was such a kind person, and so strong, yet stubborn, and mean and had a voice that could knock you down if he allowed it. He also was funny, and a jokester. If he had a nick name for you, you knew he liked you, saw something in you he liked. To be liked by Coach Kuhl, dad, Fred, my Poppa San was to know God, His presence was so strong. While he declined this last year and moved out of my parents home, the house became less crisp, less light filled. Different. His energy was clearing, and enlightening.. And now that it is gone, I see the difference in the world.

I also see my father. He sits to my left and puts his large hand on my leg while I meditate. He was a light in front of me while he was dying. Like a child wrapped up in a white light. Now his light and his being is so large and he is so clear and crisp to me. He came to me the first time on Monday morning after his death. He stood before me in his red coaching shorts, a blue shirt and a whistle. I laughed and told Decker, I’ve not seen him in this outfit since I was in high school. He wore suites by the time I was a senior in high school. He never leaves me now, and say it’s ok snook ums you are going to be OK.

I had no idea how much this was going to hurt. I had no idea that I was going to miss him this much, and I had no idea how much I loved him until he was gone. God I think, has death, so we understand the truth about love. That connection to the people who feed us, love us, challenge us, and give us life, are beyond measure. That love really is all that matters. Connections to people, the ones who have really been here for me Sara, Eddie, Judy, Decker, my family of course, these are the people that matter most right now.

Sleep is huge right now. I sleep a lot. I am not going to the bathroom like I used to, my eating habits are changing and I find myself drinking, more than eating. I find that coffee and coconut juice is more satisfying than food. Mornings are the hardest, I cry a lot. My mom says its because I never excepted that my father was sick, and their may be truth to that statement. As he was always so strong and never sick. I can’t remember a time when my dad missed work or anything due to sickness. My mom, always sick. Me, you sneeze and I am sick the next day!

Now I find him in my work. The other day while talking to a client, I heard myself talking about people lots of people, like a minnow bucket. That is my Poppa right there, I thought. I can feel him now, so strong and loving. His death has changed me in profound ways. In ways that no one can measure or really talk about. In my view I am becoming the person I was always meant to be. I have big shoes to fill, and with his help, and God, I am sure to do it without fail. I feel his presence in everything I do now. I feel his warmth and loving ways. He is helping me with readings, and making decisions, and I feel more confident and stronger than ever. Where he couldn’t do it in life, he is surly doing it in death. He is so loving, big and amazing. I am so blessed, so grateful and thankful.

So, he’s really not gone, just changed. Bigger, more loving and powerful than ever. How much better can it get than this? Love 0n Poppa San, love on! See you in the wind, the trees. on the lake, and everywhere in between. Never leave me, always work with me. As you are apart of me, and I am you.

-Laura Kuhl

Madison-based psychic and medium. A 4th generation Intuitive Healer/Reader and Psychic.

If you are interested in learning more about Laura and her work, call or text for your next appointment. 608-217-7689 e-mail @ soul2soulreadings@gmail.com